I apologize for my absence on this blog for the past couple of weeks. I have been taking it easy and trying to learn a new normal. I have actually been doing okay. Part of me feels a little guilty in saying that, but I have felt a peace and comfort that is very hard to describe. I still have moments when my mind wanders to sadness, but the truth is that those moments are already starting to decrease dramatically. God has definitely surrounded me with people who have helped me deal with life's circumstances in whatever way is comfortable for me. I greatly appreciate those who have listened through my tears and laughter, through my silliness and sadness, and through my just plain random thoughts!

My mind has gone so many places in the last few weeks. I have thought things like:

• Why me? Her? Us?
• Why not me? Her? Us?
• Why did it take so long to find out she had passed? (For those that didn't know, I was supposed to be 23 weeks along, but developmentally, Brooke was only 19 weeks.)
• Am I bad mother because I didn't (recognizably) feel a thing when she passed?
• Am I bad mother because I didn't act on my instinct that something was wrong a week or two earlier? Would it have made a difference?
• Why did circumstances work the way they did to make me alone when I found out the news?
• What have I done to deserve the love and support that has been poured out for me and my family?
• What are we supposed to do now?
• Will God allow us to have more kids? Will I ever have to go through this again?

*Just as a disclaimer, these are rhetorical questions and I will not ever know the answer to most of them and I am truly okay with that.*

Although I have had the thoughts and asked the questions, I know that God is almighty, loving, and powerful and He will set my path straight if I put my trust in Him. I know that I am being fought for and protected against Satan and God will prevail....ALWAYS. I know that the peace and comfort I continue to experience through this whole situation can only be attributed to the price that Jesus has paid for all of us. So I end with these promises:

"As the Father has loved Me, so have I loved you. Now remain in My love." John 15:9 (NIV)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

When you choose to love and trust in the Lord, life's dark places become much lighter and easier to bear. That is not to say you won't have dark times, but you can rest assured that you will overcome them. My friends, I urge you to put your love and trust in the Lord, with all your heart, surpassing all understanding. Life is not quite worth it without Him.

Love~ Mari