It's been a month...

It's hard to believe that a month ago today, Leo and I were wrecked with the news that our beautiful baby was gone. I can't believe that only a month ago, my life was thrown a little off-kilter. It's crazy to me to think that only a month ago we were surrounded by so much love and support as we dealt with the dark days that lay before us. Though I have gone through a tremendous healing process, I am reminded tonight just how broken hearted I still am over this loss.

I had my follow up appointment on Thursday of this week. At the time I didn't really think much about it, but tonight all I can think about is the fact that it should have been my next regularly scheduled prenatal appointment where I would have been 27 weeks along. I can only imagine how big my belly should have been, instead of the flabby but flat belly that it is right now. These thoughts just bring about a time of sadness and pain for what happened, and what could have been. I miss being pregnant. I miss preparing for my baby girl to enter this world. I miss talking to Holly about how great of a big sister she was going to be for Brooke. I miss the anticipation of holding my sweet little baby. Oh, how I hurt…

The doctor looked over the results of the blood tests done on me while in the hospital, waiting to deliver Brooke, and found all the tests to be normal or non-conclusive. The test of the placenta also appears to be non-conclusive. The good news is that means that there is no indication that we will go through this again with our next pregnancy. Unfortunately I don't feel very comforted by this fact right now, because to me, this news also means that whatever did happen, could happen again, and we don't have the ability to watch out for certain clues or symptoms. Part of me was hoping that this could be explained by some condition that could be monitored and controlled if and when I get pregnant again. I guess that is where faith comes into play.

As I look up verses to strengthen my faith, I am reminded over and over just how good, gracious, and powerful God is. Why do I keep forgetting that? The bible says things like:

“I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.” Jeremiah 31:13 (NASB)

Oh how true I have recently learned this verse is. When I was in the heart of my mourning for the loss of our daughter, I was overcome with a comfort and peace that is unexplainable other than to say that Jesus was carrying me and the Holy Spirit was filling me with these things that have been promised.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

This verse, and the song sung by Kari Jobe about this verse, Come To Me, gives me such a sense of peace and hope for the future. I know that I do not have to carry my own burdens. I know that I can give them over to God, who has much more strength and endurance than I could ever imagine. I imagine this song being sung over my by Jesus during my moments of sadness, anger, and pain and what a comfort these words are.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

This verse helps to erase some of the fears and doubts that I have about my next pregnancy. I know that God is in control and is worthy of my praise, regardless of whether I have to walk down the dark path of loss again, or the potential path of not having another child. I am reminded to trust in the plan that God has for me when I read this verse. Man, how difficult that can be!

So I go to bed tonight renewed with the faith in God’s plan for my life. I’m so thankful for His patience in me as I continually lose sight of Who is in control and try to carry my own burdens. God, please forgive me.

I apologize for my absence on this blog for the past couple of weeks. I have been taking it easy and trying to learn a new normal. I have actually been doing okay. Part of me feels a little guilty in saying that, but I have felt a peace and comfort that is very hard to describe. I still have moments when my mind wanders to sadness, but the truth is that those moments are already starting to decrease dramatically. God has definitely surrounded me with people who have helped me deal with life's circumstances in whatever way is comfortable for me. I greatly appreciate those who have listened through my tears and laughter, through my silliness and sadness, and through my just plain random thoughts!

My mind has gone so many places in the last few weeks. I have thought things like:

• Why me? Her? Us?
• Why not me? Her? Us?
• Why did it take so long to find out she had passed? (For those that didn't know, I was supposed to be 23 weeks along, but developmentally, Brooke was only 19 weeks.)
• Am I bad mother because I didn't (recognizably) feel a thing when she passed?
• Am I bad mother because I didn't act on my instinct that something was wrong a week or two earlier? Would it have made a difference?
• Why did circumstances work the way they did to make me alone when I found out the news?
• What have I done to deserve the love and support that has been poured out for me and my family?
• What are we supposed to do now?
• Will God allow us to have more kids? Will I ever have to go through this again?

*Just as a disclaimer, these are rhetorical questions and I will not ever know the answer to most of them and I am truly okay with that.*

Although I have had the thoughts and asked the questions, I know that God is almighty, loving, and powerful and He will set my path straight if I put my trust in Him. I know that I am being fought for and protected against Satan and God will prevail....ALWAYS. I know that the peace and comfort I continue to experience through this whole situation can only be attributed to the price that Jesus has paid for all of us. So I end with these promises:

"As the Father has loved Me, so have I loved you. Now remain in My love." John 15:9 (NIV)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

When you choose to love and trust in the Lord, life's dark places become much lighter and easier to bear. That is not to say you won't have dark times, but you can rest assured that you will overcome them. My friends, I urge you to put your love and trust in the Lord, with all your heart, surpassing all understanding. Life is not quite worth it without Him.

Love~ Mari